I just flew in from the sperm bank -- and boy, are my arms tired!
Three sex experts were in a meeting explaining the reports they had just finished. The first expert said it cost him 2 million dollars to find out why a man's penis head is wider than the shaft: because it pleases the woman more. The second expert said it cost 3 million dollars to find out why the head is wider than the shaft: because it pleases the man more. The third expert said it cost him only 50 dollars to find out why: because it kept him from accidentally hitting himself in the forehead when he masturbated.
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."
Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
Q. Lovers celebrate Valentine's Day -- what do masturbators celebrate?
A. Palm Sunday.
A man had passed his 30th birthday and was still not married, so his father found him a nice girl, whom he married. Less than a month later, his father caught him masturbating in the garden shed. "What's this?" he said. "I thought you'd stop doing that once you got married." "But Dad," answered the son, "the poor girl's not used to it. Her little arms get tired."
Two women always rode their bicycles together. One day, they decided to take a different route. One of the women remarked, "I never came this way before." To which her friend replied, "Must be the cobblestones!"
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late: a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" When the students finally stopped laughing, the professor responded, "Well, I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
A man goes to the pharmacy, walks up to the counter, and tells the druggist, "I have three girls coming to my place tonight. I've never been with more than one. I need something to keep me sexually aroused." The druggist unlocks the bottom drawer and pulls out a strongbox. He unlocks the padlock to reveal a bunch of little boxes, and says, "One of these will keep you going for a whole day."
The customer says, "I'll take three." He pays for them a walks out.
Three days later the man returns to the pharmacy. His penis is
dangling out of his pants. It's black and blue, covered with scabs,
with flaps of skin hanging off of it. He walks up to the counter and
asks the druggist, "Do you have any Ben Gay?"
The shocked druggist replies, "You're not going to use Ben Gay on that!"
"No," the man said, "The Ben Gay's for my arms. The girls never showed
up!"
Q. What two people were shot in a theater?
A. Abraham Lincoln, and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.
Q. What is the most sensitive part of the body during masturbation?
A. Your ears -- to listen for footsteps.
Q. What is the definition of a tough competitor?
A. In a masturbation contest, he finishes first, third, and ninth.
One for you golfers out there:
Q. What does a three-putt and masturbation have in common?
A. You're ashamed, but you know you'll do it again!
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. Your grip!
Q. What's the difference between "hard" and "light"?
A. You can get to sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is masturbation better than sex?
A. Because you can see what you are doing!
A 40-year-old man goes into a drugstore, walks up to the girl at checkout #3, and asks her, "Do you guys sell condoms here?" She says, "Sure -- what size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. So she unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.
Then, a 25-year-old man comes into the store and walks up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" She replies, "Sure -- what size do you need?" He says, "Well, I don't know." So she says unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.
Seeing this, a 15-year-old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl
at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah...do you sell condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he shrugs. So she
unzips his pants for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom, "CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3."
Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!"
Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?"
Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem."
About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?"
"Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"
This guy has a pain in his arm and is about to see a doctor, and a friend says, "You should try this machine down at the drugstore. All you do is give it a urine sample, and it will tell you exactly what's wrong with you." So the guy prepares a urine sample, goes down to the store, puts it in, and the machine spits out a piece of paper that says, "You have tennis elbow. Rest your arm for two weeks." The guy is thrilled and amazed, thinking this machine will revolutionize medical science. Then he starts thinking, this thing is so good, I wonder if I can trick it. So he goes home and makes a concoction with tap water, some of his dog's feces, and his wife's urine -- and to top it off he masturbates into the mixture. Delighted, he goes down to the drugstore and puts in the sample. The machine churns around for a moment, and then it spits out a piece of paper that says, "First of all, your tap water is hard. Second, your dog has worms. Third, your wife is a cocaine addict. And fourth, you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow if you keep masturbating!"